Joy’s Window

Joy would have been 13 yesterday.

Time is such a strange thing. An eternity can be experienced in a moment–and a moment can last forever, frozen, always ever present in the front of us and behind us and around us and it can feel like was are caught in it and we can become frozen in it, too.

I’ve been frozen.

I have been caught in the spell of a moment in time that has me feeling slightly out of focus in the present, and at the same time, I haven’t wanted to leave it.

It doesn’t feel like I have much control over it. I often think that if I keep doing the things and going through the motions of life, eventually, my heart will escape that frozen moment and I can rejoin the rest of the world where time is moving…

And, I think this year, it finally happened.

It was crushing–as if suddenly I was free of that moment and then all the time that has passed rushed at me in a moment and I almost thought my heart would stop.

And then, everything was quiet and I was just–Here and Now.

And Here and Now are not bad. And I wanted to feel guilty about not living in the moment in the past where she was here–and I couldn’t. Because I have a life Here and Now and I felt the pressing of missing out on ten years and I can’t take it anymore.

Because rushing forward through the decade of time that passed me by as my heart stayed frozen to a time when she was Here, I realized that escaping that moment did not mean having to let it go, it just meant I had to step outside of it.

I had to tell my heart that I could live now, but I could also carry that moment in time with me–or kind of put it on a shelf where I could look at it and reach out and hold it every once in a while without being inside of it….I think I thought I had to live inside of it to keep it alive, but that’s just not true.

Here. And Now. It’s hard.

It’s hard because much of the last ten years has been a blur of swirling colors and sounds around me, but out of focus ever so slightly because my focus was on the moments I had with Joy…

It’s hard to shift focus after all this time. It’s hard because I didn’t do it on purpose. It almost feels like the moment caught me and held me prisoner, and I felt like I couldn’t leave because it would be somehow a betrayal, because that’s where she felt the most real….

But it isn’t. That love is still here. It will never die and never fade…and that moment when Joy was mine and not Heaven’s–that brief moment of time–does not need to trap me, but can be part of me in a way that makes me more free than even before that time.

Because now, I am not made up of just past, present and future but something more–infinite.

Because that love, though death tried to sever it–is still alive and makes it so that part of me is already touching heaven, always.

How does a moment last forever
How can a story never die
It is love we must hold onto
Never easy but we try
Sometimes our happiness is captured
Somehow a time and place stands still
Love lives on inside our hearts and always will

Minutes turn to hours, days to years and gone
But when all else has been forgotten
Still our song lives on

Maybe some moments weren’t so perfect
Maybe some memories not so sweet
But we have to know some bad times
Or our lives are incomplete
Then when the shadows overtake us
Just when we feel all hope is gone
We’ll hear our song and know once more
Our love lives on

How does a moment last forever?
How does our happiness endure?
Through the darkest of our troubles
Love is beauty, love is pure
Love pays no mind to desolation
It flows like a river through the soul
Protects, perceives and perseveres
And makes us whole

Minutes turn to hours, days to years and gone
But when all else has been forgotten
Still our song lives on
How does a moment last forever?
When our song lives on